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When ‘Not Tonight, Honey’ Becomes the Norm; Part 2

Introduction

In our first installment of this article series, you learned about inhibited sexual desire, a very common sexual disorder that plagues millions of couples, and gay partnerships are no exception to this epidemic. You learned about its symptoms, subtypes, and possible causes for its existence in a relationship. In Part 2, some tips and strategies will now be offered on how best to manage and overcome this barrier to intimacy so that your relationship may enjoy the fruitful rewards of a healthy sexual lifestyle.

Additional Facts & Tidbits

Knowledge is power, so as you begin to try and make sense of the discrepancies in your sex drive as a couple, it’s important to be aware of some factors that pertain to sexuality and desire in long-term relationships.

What now follows are some tips from my clinical experience and suggestions from Sandra Leiblum’s “Principles & Practice of Sex Therapy” (2007) on some possible ways to best negotiate the slippery slopes of desire difficulties in your relationship so you can restore that needed sense of connection. It’s important for both partners to read and understand the tips below; it can be easy to pigeon-hole and scapegoat the low-desire partner, but it’s essential to understand that most relational problems have interactional and systemic dynamics in which both men contribute to and/or sustain and reinforce the issues in some way. Taking responsibility for both your parts will go a long way toward improving your situation. As the higher-desire partner, your understanding of the psychology behind your partner’s struggles may better help you gain some clarity on how to best support and encourage him.

Coaching Tips for the Low-Desire Partner

Coaching Tips for Both Partners

Note of Caution: Many gay men turn to opening up their relationships or bringing in a third person into the bedroom to cope with their discrepant sex drives or to add more spice. While there is nothing wrong with this, these types of scenarios are best reserved for relationships of strength where sexuality between the partners is not compromised in any way. For relationships struggling with inhibited sexual desire, these scenarios only serve to create more distance and detachment from each other by focusing attention on another person to gratify sexual needs, reinforcing the association of a negative sexual relationship with the partner—which is already fragile. If your intent is to reconnect sexually as a couple, avoid these tactics at all costs!

Conclusion

Inhibited sexual desire is a very complex relationship issue that can’t be done justice in a short article. It typically involves a myriad of various difficulties that lead to its existence and is best addressed in the context of couples counseling or sex therapy. Consider enlisting the services of a trained professional to help you through this process of change.

A lot of the above tips require “stretching” out of your comfort zone and trying on behaviors that don’t feel natural or are difficult to imagine doing. Nobody should do anything they are not comfortable doing or that opposes their value system and this should be honored in the relationship; however, it’s also important to ensure that they are true values versus defenses erected to avoid intimacy. And lastly, it’s important to remember that everyone has different sexual needs and drives that vary on a continuum from high to low; what matters most is whether you and your partner can accommodate each other’s needs and make that a priority. While it can seem hopeless at times, as long as the basic elements of attraction and affection for each other exist, you don’t have to be a victim and do have the power to change your relationship and remain a compatible and fulfilled couple.

Reference: Leiblum, Sandra (2007). Principles & Practice of Sex Therapy. New York: The Guilford Press.

©2008 Brian L. Rzepczynski

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Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.
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