Dear Coach:
I have recently started dating an HIV+ man. I am negative, and this is the first time I’ve dated someone opposite of my own HIV status. I never thought I could be truly comfortable in this kind of a dating situation, but we’ve grown really close and are well-suited for each other in so many ways. I can see now that the compatibility is more important than our HIV statuses, something I’ve been working through as we’ve continued to date. After he told me about being HIV+, he tried to break up with me saying that it could never work out with us being different HIV statuses. I asked him to be fair with me and let me make the choice as to whether I wanted to continue or not and I’ve decided I want to develop things further. It feels like such a good match with him. He keeps talking about it though and I keep telling him that I want to be with him. How should I let him know that he shouldn’t worry and feel guilty about me? He keeps asking me why him? How can I convince him that I care for him unconditionally?
Stuck
Dear Stuck:
Thanks for writing! It sounds like you’ve found someone whom you’ve developed a true connection with and this is truly a good fortune! All relationships experience their challenges and it sounds like you’ve been able to look beyond those roadblocks to see what’s really most important when it comes to love. Couples with differential HIV-statuses do face unique issues and challenges, but these are not insurmountable and these relationships can and do flourish successfully; you will have to adapt to and manage the presence of the disease in your life and all this entails, but essentially the goodness-of-fit between the two men and the love they share is ultimately what’s most important, as you’ve learned and concluded.
The most important thing you can do in this situation is to avoid making your partner’s HIV an emphasis in the relationship. Too much focus and attention placed on it will cause your relationship to be defined by it, and this can be extremely damaging…particularly since it sounds like your partner may possibly be struggling with accepting his diagnosis. Based on how you described his reactions in your letter, it sounds like he may still need some time to grieve and come to terms with having HIV and all its implications it has on his life and relationships. This is a process of coming to acceptance that only he can be responsible for and is his issue alone. There is not much that you can do to help him through this except to be a great support, a good listener, and to reassure him through your actions of commitment that you love him unconditionally. Continually trying to convince him that his HIV+ status isn’t an issue for you will only serve to emphasize its existence to him and reinforce his insecurities even more, causing him to think that it really does bother you.
It will be extremely important to make sure that you are being honest with yourself and are 100% confident and comfortable with building a relationship with an HIV+ man. If you have any lingering doubts or anxieties that you haven’t personally dealt with about this, these may unconsciously and inadvertently get expressed through your body language or actions…and he will pick up on these subtle clues and personalize them, which unfortunately will make him more sensitive about his HIV status and could possibly create a bigger rift between the two of you. Making an honest appraisal of your values and speaking with a therapist about your apprehensions might be good places to start if you do find that you’re hesitant or uneasy about taking on the responsibilities inherent in such relationships.
So I would recommend to you that you just relax and enjoy the development of your relationship. Capitalize on the positives and strengths that the two of you share as a couple and take the emphasis off of the HIV by building positive memories and experiences with each other. HIV is not your relationship; it is only one part of the multi-dimensional aspects of your partnership. Keep growing your other parts and attend to HIV-related topics as needed, such as when you need to discuss how to negotiate safer sex practices into your intimate life, for example. Be a good listening ear for him when he needs to share his fears and concerns about your HIV-discordant statuses. Over time, these concerns typically diminish when he will be able to see through your consistent demonstration of commitment that he can trust you and see that you really are there for him and the relationship over the long haul. You can’t make him see this yet; this is a conclusion that he has to come to on his own. Even though it’s frustrating, pushing the issue of your reassurance and validation could give it more attention than is necessary and could end up sabotaging things, so let it evolve at its own natural pace.
All my best to you! Good luck to you guys!
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On August 19, 12 at 11:55pm, hivgay said...
Maybe, you can ask him to check this I got from http://www.pozkiss.com/dating_advices?category=std_dating_tip :
It is obviously much easier to date people who have herpes already but love doesn’t always flow that way, we meet people through friends, at work, parties, bars etc…
I have talked to so many people that FEAR telling someone they are interested in that they have herpes! Over 25% of the population has it folks! I received an email the other day from a guy who said he hasn’t dated in 10 years because he is so ashamed to tell a girl about it! Maybe there would have been some rejection but I can almost guarantee that he would have been accepted eventually.
Get honest with people you are sexually interested in, let them know what they are getting themselves into, let THEM decide if you are worth it or not, and risk getting rejected! It works out better if you don’t treat it like a big ordeal, I promise.
On July 03, 13 at 7:41pm, larry Kirkpatrick said...
My boyfriend of 5 years was just diagnosed HIV+ this really helped me thank you