Dear Coach:
I was wondering if you could point me in the direction of information on couples with sexual incompatibility issues. My partner and I have been together for 9 years and for the last 6 months or so have had some issues around sex. He seems to like more kink than I am comfortable with. Do you have any suggestions or resources that speak to this?
Too Kinky For Comfort
Dear Too Kinky For Comfort:
I’m sorry to hear about the struggles you and your partner are having in your relationship. Sexual incompatibility in a couple can be quite challenging, but not insurmountable!
For starters, most sexual problems in a relationship are not about sex at all. Particularly since you and your partner didn’t begin to have bedroom issues until about six months ago, I’m suspicious that perhaps your sexual issues are really more of a symptom or extension of other underlying dynamics or problems going on in your relationship. Additionally, your partner’s increasing interest in kink might also be a reflection of this as well. Many men develop an interest in kink or fetishism because of the elements of power and control that play out in these sexual expressions. While taboo in our society, kink is not a bad thing unless it becomes addictive in nature and is the only way a person can function sexually. The interesting parallel here is that both a sexual issue has arisen and that kink and all its symbolism are attached to this. Many relationship problems and conflicts stem from imbalances in power and control. Perhaps is there a struggle for power/control or independence/dependence going on in your relationship outside of the sexual realm? This may not be the case in your scenario, but just some food for thought! But if so, this is where you and your partner would want to focus your attention because if these issues are playing themselves out in the bedroom and without resolution, they will continue to pose as barriers to intimacy and may begin to show themselves in other not-so-nice ways in your partnership.
In dealing directly with differences in sexual tastes, it’s important that you both respect each other’s boundaries. Nobody should do anything they don’t feel comfortable with, so if kink isn’t your thing, that’s ok and neither he nor you should be pressured into this type of expression unless you’re a willing and avid participant. The two of you will need to explore ways to accommodate your partner’s desires though or he may grow resentful that this aspect of his sexuality is denied if he feels an investment toward it. If you’ve worked through any relationship problems that exist, his interest in kink may diminish if this intrigue was just symptomatic of your relational struggles unless it’s become addictive. But if not, you may need to find ways to accept his interest, validate his desires in non-judgmental ways, and seek appropriate methods for his expression without violating the norms of your relationship.
Perhaps you could support his viewing of pornographic videos related to his kink-interests as a way for him to remain in touch with his desires without necessarily involving you. Or perhaps you could role-play with him doing only the sexual activities you’re comfortable doing. Perhaps you could write erotic letters or graphic sexual fantasies that you know would speak to his desires as a way to indirectly participate in his sexual needs. Another option would be to have an open relationship so he could meet and become involved with other people who share his specialized interests. Whatever you choose to do must be in alignment with your sexual values. The two of you should communicate and brainstorm these and other potential solutions to help bridge the gap. If none of these seems to suit you and his desire for kink is a non-negotiable need for him, this relationship may not be able to progress further due to seriously discrepant values.
The important thing for you at this point is to try to identify any potential problem-spots that exist in your relationship, particularly around themes of power and control. Secondly, try to gain an understanding about where his interest in kink originates. What does he like about it? What does he get out of it? What unmet needs does kink meet for him? Why kink? Is kink the only way he can get these needs met? And lastly, it will be helpful for you to examine your own needs and feelings about this and to identify what it is about kink that bothers you and makes you uncomfortable. Perhaps lifting emotional blocks or anxiety you may have about this might create more receptivity on your part. The point is that you want to have a firm understanding about what kink means to each of you and what symbolic role it plays in your relationship.
In all honesty, I don’t know a whole lot about kink behavior and fetishism, though am beginning to acquire such knowledge through my sex therapy studies. I’ve done some research for you to try and give you some referrals, but didn’t have much luck. Not much is written about this. There are therapists that specialize in alternative lifestyles that include kink; if you wanted to talk to someone, go to www.ncsfreedom.org and go to their provider database. Hopefully there is someone in your city with that specialty. If you live in a large metropolitan city, I do know that most gay communities have special groups specifically for those interested in kink. Your partner may even be aware of them. Perhaps the two of you could go to one of these meetings together to learn more about it. Additionally, reading books on kink might give you more of an education about what your partner is interested in that might relieve some of the stress you might have around his sexual leanings. I don’t know of any books on this subject, but perhaps one of the kink-specialists from the above website would have some good recommendations for you.
I wish you all the best with this, my friend! I hope that things work out for you!