Advice

Dear Coach:
My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for two years now and are very much in love. Unfortunately, we don’t get to see each other much because he goes away to school at a college in a different state; he comes home during the holidays and summers. This year has felt a lot different to me in that he has stopped putting forth effort to try and talk to me every day like we’ve always done before. He says he’s always “busy”, and when we do talk, we only get five minutes before he has to go because of some interruption. He’s also doing other things while we talk on the phone, like playing with his myspace account on the computer, and he doesn’t pay attention to anything I’m saying. I’m getting worried because he never seems to have time for me anymore, but always drops everything for all his friends at his dorm when we’re on the phone together. I’m beginning to wonder if he’s cheating on me and he hasn’t been very sexual with me lately. It just kills me because I don’t feel like I’m in the same relationship anymore! I don’t know what to do. How do I get the point across to him that I need him to do his part in our relationship without getting him mad and what can we do to spice things up? We have cameras..would that help?

Lovelorn


Dear Lovelorn:

I’m sorry to hear about the challenges you’re facing in your relationship. This must be very difficult for you considering the investment you’ve made with your partner. From the way you describe it, it sounds like you’ve sensed a change in the way you and your partner function and the dynamics seem different, causing you to feel worried about the growing sense of distance between the two of you.

For starters, it’s important for me to normalize for you that all relationships go through periods where the general flow or rhythm changes; it’s par for the course in the maturation of any relationship. Not to mention the two of you have had a lot of transitions in the 2 years you’ve been together with graduating from high school and being separated because of different colleges attended. That’s very stressful! Try to look at what’s happening as a signal to you that you and your partner have encountered a “growth-hurdle” that needs to be attended to.

It’s important for you to channel your concern and worry into a productive outlet so as not to sabotage what you and your partner have built. Perhaps by reframing what you’re going through as a “growth hurdle”, you can approach the issues you’re facing with more conscious intent and non-reactivity. That is key! Try to avoid letting your emotions get the best of you. Confronting him with unfounded assumptions and suspicions that he may be cheating on you is letting your insecurities drive your behavior, and without hardcore proof that that’s what he’s doing, you’ll only serve to further alienate him and create bigger rifts in trust between the two of you. So give yourself permission to feel concerned by the changes in your relationship, but be sure to manage your concern in such a way that it will reinforce the potential for positive outcomes rather than acting it out, which will inevitably create a host of other problems. Try to find healthy ways to soothe yourself when feeling anxious to avoid projecting your fears onto your partner.

Once you’ve been able to soothe yourself and your emotions are in check, it will be very important for you to talk with your partner about how you’re feeling. It will more than likely have to be your initiative, but you’re the kind of guy who likes to take charge of his life, right? J Your approach will obviously be very important and it will be best if you can have your talk in person rather than on the phone. “Babe, I just wanted to do a “check-in” with you and see how you think things are going in our relationship. Since we’ve gone away to different colleges and have been separated a great deal of the time, I’ve felt a change in our relationship and just wanted to see what your thoughts were on this subject. Here are some of the things I’m concerned about from my vantage point…”
Something along those lines could be helpful. It’s critical to avoid accusing, blaming, finger-pointing, assuming, or judging. You want to create a non-threatening climate to be able to dialogue about what’s been happening.

You also might want to use the “I” statements technique when communicating with him. (I feel____ when you_____ because____, so instead I’d prefer_____). For example, “Babe, I feel unimportant when you do other things when we’re talking on the phone or cut our conversations short to hang out with your friends because our time together is so limited as it is with our distance and I miss you. Our relationship is very important to me and I love you. So instead I’d prefer to receive your undivided attention when we have our phone calls and that we try to come up with ways to balance our lives with everything we have going on to make our relationship a priority.” Something like that might work. Again, it’s got to be your language and there’s still no guarantee that he won’t react defensively or even meet the needs that you’ve requested be met. But at least you’re asserting yourself and fighting for your relationship; his response to your efforts will be telling and give you a lot of information about where his head and investment is.

Long-distance relationships are really hard and couples in this situation have to put even more effort and creativity into sustaining their bond and keeping the spark alive. The two of you should definitely brainstorm ways to bring more sexiness into your relationship (you’ve got cameras…why not?! The possibilities are endless!). Write out graphic sexual fantasies that you each may have and share them with each other, acting them out in person or some other medium of your choosing.

©2008 Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed.None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.
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