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The Magnetic Relationship: When Positive and Negative Meet & Mate

Introduction

Gay relationships come in all varieties and combinations…that’s what makes our community so diverse and eclectic! One such couple pairing has been coined “magnetic relationships”, which is defined as an HIV-positive and an HIV-negative man in a committed partnership together. Perhaps it stems from fear, ignorance, or other sociopolitical factors, but surprisingly very little has been written on this subject.

One of the most important components of any single gay man’s dating plan is a clear vision of the type of partner and relationship he seeks. Knowledge of his negotiable and non-negotiable needs is then used to form a template that he refers to when screening potential dating partners. Such criteria might include looks, professional status, age, race, certain emotional characteristics, etc. When meeting new men, singles intent on searching for Mr. Right will then take special note of the potential goodness-of-fit that exists with his relational vision and values with every dating encounter to avoid investing energy (and their hearts) into mismatched connections. One such criteria that every man must contemplate are his feelings about whether to date within or outside his particular HIV status. They must decide how important or not it is to them in the scheme of their visions for a long-term relationship. In response to a recent poll on my website’s “Question of the Month” voting poll regarding whether gay men would date others opposite of their own HIV status, 34% replied “yes” and 66% said “no.”

 

This article addresses those men who have discordant HIV statuses and have decided that other partner traits and relational characteristics hold more importance and priority to them than HIV/AIDS and have invested into committed partnerships. With such minimal literature available on this relationship style, it is hoped that this article will offer some useful tips and support for that segment of the gay population who has been unrepresented.

Possible Concerns & Pitfalls:

These are just a small handful of all the different types of scenarios and challenges that positive/negative relationships, and the partners within them, can experience. With minimal visible role models of this relationship type in the gay community, these challenges can seem overwhelming and couples can feel somewhat isolated with their unique issues. But these potential problems are not insurmountable and successful management of the difficulties can actually heighten a couple’s connection and intimacy and skyrocket their relationship satisfaction.

Magnetic Solutions

There are no easy answers or cookbook-recipe solutions to the above situations; each couple must creatively and collaboratively find the formulas that work best for them in coping with the unique demands of sharing an HIV/AIDS-discordant relationship. Below are some tips that might help make navigating through these transitions smoother:

Conclusion

Being a mixed HIV-status couple can be a rewarding experience, but both partners must accept the responsibilities inherent to this relationship style in overcoming its challenges, just like in any relationship. The quality of your relationship and the extent to which you practice open communication and collaborative problem-solving is the primary predictor of relationship success for positive/negative couples. Make the challenges you experience an asset in your favor! You can reach greater depths of intimacy and fulfillment by conquering your issues as co-pilots on the journey. This relationship type actually has another bonus attached in that these couples typically, because of their situation, focus more on what’s important in life, have a good grasp on priorities, and live for the moment rather than getting caught up in petty, superficial squabbles. Because of this, and as long as the potentially harsh realities are accepted and approached with flexibility and commitment as partners-for-life, HIV-positive/HIV-negative couple pairings really can be assets for relationship success—hence, they really are magnetic!

The characters/names in this article are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people is purely coincidental.

© 2007 Brian L. Rzepczynski

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Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.
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