Dear Coach:
I’m 27 and met a guy a few months ago and have become good friends. We’ve gone out a few times and feel that we have good chemistry. I’d like to step this up to the next level and possibly pursue a relationship with him but he feels more toward me as a friend he says. He keeps on dating other guys but continues to “date” me as well and I’m really confused about what this all means. What should I do? It feels to me that when we spend time together, it’s more couple-like than two friends hanging out and I’m really disturbed by his decision to date other guys.Does He or Doesn’t He?
Dear Does He or Doesn’t He?:
Thanks for your writing. There is nothing more frustrating than the situation you find yourself in at the moment. You like him; he likes you too, but just not in the same way that you do. Ugh! Never fails!
It sounds like the two of you have communicated about this before, so in the interest of protecting your heart from becoming too invested and then getting hurt, it would probably be wise for you to honor what he’s told you. His statement that he likes you, but just as a friend, and then coupled with his continuing to date other people is an indication that he most likely wants to keep your relationship just the way it is.
Now if the two of you have engaged in any activities that might not be something that “just friends” do, like kissing or having sex, then he is definitely sending you mixed signals and I would be very cautious about pursuing things further. He either is confused about what he feels and wants (which would take you on a roller coaster ride until he figures things out), or he could be one of those “player types” and is being disrespectful toward you, particularly since he is aware of how you feel about him.
Continuing to press the issue with him after he’s told you that he only wants friendship could make him feel pressured and could negatively affect your friendship, perhaps even making him want to terminate it. However, you could also always give it one last ditch effort and sit down with him and have a talk about how each of you view the status of your relationship. You would each have “floor time” to share how you each truly feels to see if this would be a match. If he is interested in dating you, you will also need to discuss whether your involvement will be exclusive, or if you both will have the option to continue and see others. If he is unwilling to stop dating others, you will need to decide if this is something you would be willing to tolerate and live with; if not, it would be best to keep things at the friendship-level. Never mold yourself around a guy just for the sake of being in a relationship, no matter how much you like him. Compromising and sacrificing your values to be with someone is being dishonest to him, and worse yet is an act of self-betrayal that will lead to decreased self-esteem and integrity.
Situations like these are never easy, my friend, so tread carefully. You’ll have to define for yourself when enough is enough, if the friendship with him is worth the risk of trying to get a romance out of it if he ends up not being interested in that, and how to then “let go” and move forward with your life if things don’t work out the way you hope. You deserve to be with a guy who is totally excited about getting to know you and spending time with you free of distractions and who is attentive to your needs. Never settle for anything less!
The Gay Love Coach
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