Dear Coach:
I am quite confused. My partner and I have been together for more than a decade and we are actually best friends from childhood. We are both disabled. It is my fault that I bring to this relationship victimization from domestic violence, rape, and sexual and physical abuse from childhood. Still my lover overlooks all this and then some. We both also have anger issues and I have post-traumatic stress disorder. We are both in counseling separately so I can deal with these issues and he’s working on his issues of lying and yelling. He has recently started hinting a proposal of marriage lately and I’m 50/50 about it because of everything that’s gone on. What should I do?
On The Fence
Dear On The Fence:
Thanks for writing and what a romantic story to hear that childhood friends-turned lovers are still together after all these years! Although it doesn’t sound like it’s been a fairy tale ride by any stretch of the mind, eh? You seem to have gone through a lot of trials, tribulations, and traumas along the way and I applaud you for survivorship and resilience through these tough times. It’s important to reframe your challenges away from your claims that it’s “your fault” for bringing these baggages into the relationship with your partner; issues such as rape, molestation, and abuse are not your fault and it’s vitally important that you learn to forgive yourself as part of your healing process if you’ve not done that already. I’m glad to hear that both you and your partner are pursuing counseling to continue to take responsibility for your issues, heal from your traumas, and further promote your personal growth as individuals and as a couple! Cheers to you!
It sounds like you’re a bit concerned about your perception of your partner’s desire to hike up your commitment to each other in the form of a marriage. With everything that you’ve gone through individually and as a couple, and with his tendencies toward anger and lying, it’s understandable that you would be cautious about your future planning.
I would encourage you to explore a little further about what your hesitancy and resistance means. What are your fears about deepening your commitment? It’ll be important to differentiate between those perceived threats that are realistic versus those that are imagined or projections from past experiences of getting hurt. Particularly with your trauma history, security and safety are probably huge needs that you have in your life and it will be important that you and your lover create a foundation for that in your relationship so you will feel more solid in your decision-making.
In helping to articulate your thoughts and feelings, you could do the typical cost/benefit analysis in a journal, making lists highlighting the pros and cons of getting married versus the pros and cons of remaining partnered without the wedding bells. You could also take two chairs and separate the two parts of yourself that are in conflict, allowing each to have its own voice in its respective chair and the two parts can have a debate until a resolution occurs (the devil and the angel on each shoulder routine).
I believe it’s important for you to sit down with your partner and share both your excitements about your relationship, as well as your concerns and reservations you have about stepping up your commitment. To keep these feelings hidden will only serve to put you through a slow, internal torture and could create a barrier between the two of you. Through this sharing session, you and he will have the ability to validate and support each other and then problem-solve ways to improve upon the trouble-spots and correct any distortions in thought that may exist. Together, you can co-create a vision for your relationship, outlining your hopes, dreams, goals, needs, and values. This will also help the two of you identify any discrepancies that may exist in your needs and wants and to explore together ways to bring about more alignment; this may require some compromise and sacrifice at times, which is very normal and to be expected. This action plan that you both then have collaborated will become a template for the two of you to measure your progress and troubleshoot any obstacles along the way. Working with a couples’ counselor or coach might be an added resource to assist you with this if you’re not sure how to do this independently.
Only you can do what’s right for you! It’s important to take the emphasis off all the externals in your life and focus on what you need and want. Who are you and what do you want from your life and a relationship? Working on such issues as strengthening your self-esteem, managing conflictual emotions, defining your values, building assertive behavior, and creating an environment with boundaries that will support a feeling of safety and security will likely help you with your decision-making now and in the future as well. Keep the channel of communication open with your partner as well.
From what you’ve mentioned in your letter, several signs of good prognosis stand out. The fact that your partner has stood by you and supported you through all the crises screams volumes about his faith and loyalty in you. The fact that he is seeing a therapist to work on his issues, along with you, is also a very positive sign in that it demonstrates a willingness to grow and change and he’s begun to take responsibility for that. What you have to figure out is if he fits your vision for your ideal life partner, and if he does, is this the right time and pace for you to seal your commitment with marriage? If it’s not, perhaps you may need more time to witness the changes in each other’s personal and relational issues before you’ll feel secure enough to completely go for it, and that’s ok too. Let him be an active participant in this soul-searching as well after you’ve been able to clarify things for yourself first.
I wish you much success with this! All my best to you!
The Gay Love Coach
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