Advice

Dear Coach:

My teenaged son has moved in with my partner and I for the summer. While we are both thrilled, it is a big transition for us to have another person in our daily lives and to consider his needs as well as maintaining ours. We are going to have regular “pow wow” time for the 2 of us and also a seperate one as a family with him. We have also had a lot of discussion in preparation, but now that the “real thing” has started, we’d like to check in with you to see if you have any advice for us.

Parenting Dilemma


Hi and thanks for writing!

I couldn’t have said it better myself! You are definitely on the right track here!

And you are correct in that while this is a very positive experience, it is still an adjustment for all of you concerned and you each will likely go through a period of transition. It will be very important that you and your partner continue to have your own one-to-one time to stay on top of co-parenting issues and to remain attentive and responsive to your relationship as a couple. In addition, a regular “family meeting” that would include yourself, your partner, and your son would be valuable to keep household functioning and the relationships amongst you all in tip-top shape.

It sounds like you’ve already done this, but especially in the beginning (ideally before your son moves in), it will be important for all of you to discuss your expectations to lay the foundation for a positive summer. Limits for behavior, consequences to be enforced for lack of follow-through with the “rules”, and discussions about household responsibilities and chores, curfews, time with friends vs. family, etc. could potentially be topics for dialogue. Not only will you want to define these boundaries, but also have an open forum about what all your hopes, dreams, and desires would be for a fun summer. Involve your son in all the conversations to allow him to have a voice in all the topics; this will make him feel a part of the decision-making and increase his sense of investment in the process and bolster his motivation. Collaborate together about tasks that need to be accomplished, as well as creatively planning enjoyable things that you can do together as a family to breed more connection and intimacy. It’s important that these meetings are productive, so make sure to use good communication skills with “I” statements and don’t allow them to be predominated with excessive complaints and negativity. Strive to seek win-win solutions that everyone brainstorms ideas.

These family meetings are great to keep the channels of communication open, to short-circuit any potential problems or conflicts before they arise with a teamwork approach to problem-solving, to allow a regular and structured place to express feelings (both positive and negative) and share appreciations and encouragement, and to plan out family recreation. By making it a regular and consistent part of your lives, it will become a family ritual that can be looked forward to and keeps everyone accountable for their behavior and goals as individuals and as a family.

Deal with the situations as they arise and always be sure to follow through with any limits in a consistent manner, otherwise you risk losing credibility and behavior problems could result. You and your partner will do well to form a strong alliance and keep feeding your relationship as a couple to model strength, affection, and stability for your son and to keep your spark alive between the two of you. The season can become very busy and hectic, but always make sure to keep your relationship with your partner a priority and schedule regular “Date Nights” together as well as quality time together as a family and one-on-one time with your son. So enjoy this time with your son and have a great summer! You’ll be great!

© 2007 Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed.None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.
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