Dear Coach:
I have a friend whom I’ve been hanging out with for the past few months who is straight and I’ve always found him to be very cute. But the more time we spend together, he’s started making jokes with sexual innuendo and saying that he wants to get with me sexually. Sometimes he’ll grab my hand and then pull it away very quickly and act all embarrassed or we’ll lay on my bed watching a movie and our arms will touch for an extended period of time without his moving away (but then he eventually does and bitches about it). It’s very confusing because it feels like we’re getting closer, but then at other times he pulls away. He’s 18 and I’m 24 and I’m just wondering if he’s really gay and trying to come to terms with it because I acted that way when I was first coming out. We’ve been spending a lot of time together lately and I’ve expressed how much I value him and he’s aware that I’m gay. He told me last week that he loves me and I’ve never been happier; he says that it just takes him a long time to get attached to someone and it’s hard for him to express himself in words. I really feel that he’s as attracted to me as I am to him but he just puts up a hard exterior because these must be new feelings for him. I really like him a lot and want to pursue this further but I don’t want to scare him off or push him away either. What do you think?
Hopelessly In Love
Hi Hopelessly In Love!
It sounds like you and your friend are definitely getting closer! What type of relationship that is, however, is yet to be defined. Be careful here, my friend. The interactions the two of you have been having seem to be getting more intimate and the friendship connection appears to be deepening. At the same time, he’s sending you a lot of mixed messages—sometimes the dynamics between the two of you are titillating and filled with perceived sexual tension; at other times, he holds you at arm’s length.
It’s very possible that he’s confused about his sexual identity and doesn’t know how to manage his feelings of attraction he has for you, so he’ll be affectionate and vulnerable with you one minute, and the next he’s pushing you away to protect himself against possible fears that he might be gay. The coming-out process, as you know, takes you on a roller-coaster ride of emotions, and you may be witnessing this from him.
The other scenario could be that he’s truly heterosexual and is just now practicing letting his guard down with you since he states it’s really hard for him to become attached and express himself. He might feel uncomfortable being vulnerable. He values your friendship and may be trying to feel out how to be friends with a gay man with his possible limited experience.
Until he actually tells you he’s gay and attracted to you or the two of you share a romantic or sexual moment, you just don’t know and should tread carefully so you don’t read into things and can protect yourself. I always advise erring on the side of caution. The fact that he told you he loves you and talks about being sexual with you is suspect that scenario #1 is more probable, but you should still be careful because it could still mean other things.
My recommendation would be to keep doing what you’re doing. Keep fostering an intimate friendship with him and let the relationship evolve naturally, balancing communication with affection. Gather more information from him as you observe his reactions to the experiences you share. Try to avoid analyzing his behavior and instead have fun and just enjoy being with him. If, after a period of time, he continues to send mixed messages, ask yourself if you’d want to be involved with someone who’s stuck, as you yourself will also go along for the ride. If things remain status quo, you may also opt to take a risk and simply state your true feelings for him. By doing this, you run the risk of “freaking him out” if he’s not in a place where he can receive such honesty and could change the dynamics of your friendship, making it awkward or actually severing it. However, the risk might also bring about your desired outcome of a possible intimate relationship, spurred by your making the move that he may never have the courage to take. So go slow, be yourself, enjoy being together, keep putting “little feelers” out there to see if he bites, and then be direct with him if these don’t yield any results if you’re comfortable with the risk. I wish you the very best with this! I hope you get what you want!
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