Dear Coach:
I recently broke up with my partner of 21 years; I’m 46 and he’s 50. It’s been quite a roller coaster of emotions and I’m struggling with the following question: Is it selfish of me to ask my partner to have sex even though we are not together? We both still spend a lot of time together because of some prior family obligations to wrap up. We never cheated on each other when we were in our relationship and he broke up with me mainly because I’m unorganized, manage my money poorly, and he feels that I used him. Since then, I’ve been in the process of organizing my life, working a full-time job and paying my own house bills and only ask for help when I can’t fix something around our former house. I’m depressed and frustrated and scared to venture back into the gay dating world. I’m not ready to find another sexual partner yet, and I don’t think he is either. He says he’ll never want to be in another relationship with someone again, whereas I really want him back and wish I’d only listened to him when he tried to communicate to me about our problems.
Sex With An Ex?
Dear Sex With An Ex:
Thanks for your letter and I’m sorry to hear about the ending of your long-term relationship. It must be a very difficult time for you after 21 years of investment, but cheers to you for channeling your energies into your own self-improvement. Coping with a relationship breakup can definitely be expedited when you identify the areas that you yourself contributed to the problems in the relationship and then take the necessary steps to remedy them. Getting a handle on your issues with organization and life management will take you far in regaining a sense of control over your life and boosting your confidence in being independent and self-sufficient.
Sex with an ex can be very complicated. It can be understandable to want that. It’s familiar, safe, and it’s always nice to have an available sexual outlet. Many men are able to separate sex from emotions and if you and your ex are able to do this, a frank discussion would be needed between the two of you as you share with him your needs and get his opinion on the matter, specifying clear guidelines and rules for what this means to ensure you’re both in agreement and on the same page.
This being said, and after reading your letter, I would probably dissuade you from engaging in any further intimacy with your ex-partner at this time. It’s probably a “downer” to hear that, but it can be extremely difficult to separate sex from emotion when you’ve been in a relationship as long-term as the two of you have. As it sounds like you would welcome a reconciliation with your ex-partner, it seems that perhaps you may still be struggling with the breakup and remain in the grieving process of the loss. With that being the case, being intimate with him again could only serve to complicate and prolong your grieving and interfere in the ability for you to gain a sense of closure and rebuild a new life for yourself. It can be challenging, if not impossible for some people, to “downshift” from life partner to “sex bud” and it might be more harmful than good, particularly since your breakup is recent.
My recommendation to you would be to examine your motives for wanting to maintain a sex life with your ex. Why do you really want that intimacy? What’s behind your desire to reconnect sexually with him? Is it purely for physical reasons, or are there other emotional reasons at play? What would the pros and cons be? What hurts? Is it an attempt to get your ex back or to hang on to a life that you’re not quite willing to let go of yet? Or is it a way to stave off loneliness or fears of moving on with your new life? Whatever your answers may be, it’s important to be honest with yourself and try to identify healthy ways of getting these needs met that won’t sabotage your well-being. Sex with an ex for these and other emotional reasons will only hurt you and would be ill-advised.
I might also encourage you to speak to a counselor or a coach for help in talking through your feelings about your breakup as it still seems to be affecting you in the areas of grief/loss and anxiety about taking risks toward a new life. What you’re feeling is perfectly normal and understandable. Another option could be to sit down and talk with your ex about your desire to give the relationship another try, particularly with your new lifestyle changes and see what he says. It’s important not to attach any outcome to this conversation, however, and to ensure that the changes you’ve been making are solidly motivated toward your own growth and not as an effort to win him back. The worst he can say is no, and you’ll still be better for it because you’ve made some positive changes that will benefit your future.
I wish you the best with your decision. Protect your emotions and make choices that will support growth in positive directions rather than acting-out any conflictual feelings or pain. Creating a new identity doesn’t have to be daunting; it can be an exciting new time in which you can shape your life in any way you like. However this turns out, I wish you all the best and support.