Nothing can be a bigger drag than when you’re in the mood for some hot one-on-one action and there are no available partners to access. Maybe you’re new to the gay scene and are just trying to figure things out. Or perhaps you’re in a “drought period” where meeting other men has not proven successful for some reason. Could it be that you’re shy and anxious about initiating contacts with other men that could possibly lead to future intimacy? Or maybe you’ve sworn off sex until you meet Mr. Right so as not to distract yourself from your ultimate goal. Whatever the scenario may be for your particular situation, sexual frustration can mount when your libido is screaming for an outlet when it seems that none exists. Sex is a basic human need, and for some, its deprivation can be a source of preoccupation and discontent. So how does one manage a celibate lifestyle, if it’s not by his choosing, without climbing the walls and going stark-raving mad?
In Part 1 of this article series, you learned about possible reasons why one might be “sexless”, the importance of differentiating between unwanted celibacy as the problem itself or a symptom of some underlying issues, and some possible ways the gay community might directly address this phenomenon. Part 2 will now identify some possible strategies that you as an individual might utilize in coping with a lack of sexual intimacy to assist in continuing to live a full and satisfying life. These suggestions are just that…ideas for helping to cope with an unmeet need that isn’t easily substituted. But by creating new outlets for expression, you may find some relief and new experiences that could enrich your life. Pick and choose the ones that might work best for you and brainstorm some of your own!
9 Strategies For Coping With Sexlessness
9. “If you build it, they will come…”
Even though it may seem like everyone around you has a boyfriend or a partner and is having sex, this could not be further from the truth. You are not alone with your dilemma. Hoards of other men are in your exact situation contemplating what they should do too. Everyone has periods in their life when they lack sexual outlets…and they survive! One thing you can do is to take a leadership role and create and market your own support group in your community for friendship and support. Or even create your own online forum or discussion list devoted to this topic to create a network of support for socialization and the sharing of tips and strategies for managing celibacy. This is a very untapped niche…you could be a ground-breaking innovator!
8. Become a masterful masturbator!
What’s the next best thing if you don’t have a sexual partner to play with? Yourself! Nobody knows what you like sexually better than you do, so learn how to fine-tune your self-pleasuring skills for the most optimal satisfaction. There are plenty of sexual self-help books out there that teach masturbation techniques that will have you in rapture in no time. And if you so desire, pay a visit to your local sex shop for a sex toy of your choosing. Just remember that all sex toys are not created equal, so do your own due diligence before purchasing anything and become educated about the products. Be creative and free within the bounds of your comfort level!
7. “Welcome To Fantasy Island!”
They say that the mind is one of the biggest sex organs, so make maximum use of your imagination and practice the fine art of fantasy. In graphic detail, visualize and meditate about your sex life in any capacity you’d like. You’re the boss! The limits are endless with your imagination and it can become quite an erotic experience. Combine this with your self-pleasuring techniques and you’ve just magnified the experience! And don’t let it end there…channel your fantasies into other productive outlets such as reading erotic novels (or write your own!), journal about your sexual fantasies in a notebook or an online blog, watch porn, create some form of art like paintings or sculptures that express your sexual self.
6. “It’s all about me!”
Sometimes sexual frustration is a mask for underlying feelings of boredom, stress, and conflicted emotions. Explore other ways of soothing yourself. Take a hot bubble-bath, surround yourself with scented oils and candles, listen to calming music, throw a relaxation CD into your CD-player. Self-care is very important for keeping you refreshed and rejuvenated, so pamper yourself in whatever way that makes you feel happy. You deserve it!
5. “Let’s get physical!”
A lot of times sexual frustration can be a signal that we’re not getting enough nonsexual physical touch in our lives and just finding a remedy for this can sometimes diminish the preoccupation with the sex act itself. Become involved in contact sports, get a massage, learn about bodywork, etc. Physical touch is also an important human need and finding some kind of healthy outlet for this can really help “take the edge off.” Exercise and dancing are also great channels for release.
4. Become a sex self-help guru!
Another healthy way to address the “sex on your mind” is to put it to good use for others seeking assistance or for your own personal enlightenment. Take sex education classes at your local community college, get training and become a volunteer for a sexual health clinic, learn about tantric sexuality. Helping others while growing personally can be very beneficial and rewarding. Heck, you could even become the next Dr. Ruth!
3. Take advantage of your sexual drought
Rather than getting bummed about your absent sex life, take this time as an opportunity to refocus your goals on things in your life you’d like to achieve. Putting so much emphasis on your sex life could be distracting and preventing you from following through with important life goals that would help you accomplish your vision. By expanding upon the other parts of your identity, you’ll achieve more balance in your life and feel more centered. Get active! Go to gay mens’ retreats and workshops, volunteer for a cause that’s meaningful to you, seek out and/or develop your support system. Keeping busy with productive, life-affirming activities does help!
2. “What would Sigmund Freud say?”
As discussed before, there may be underlying factors at play that sabotage your efforts to have a sex life. Spend some time to really analyze what holds you back and create an action plan for overcoming these hurdles. Reframe these challenges as opportunities and don’t waste any more time! Be in charge of your life and create positive movement. For example, if shyness is the big culprit, you’ll need to develop more sophisticated social skills and build confidence in risk-taking to broaden the chances for more social opportunity. Break your goals down into small, manageable tasks.
1. It’s all about SEXY!!!
No matter who we are, we are all sexy and special in our own way. One of the most important things to feeling good in life is to have high self-esteem. Unfortunately, our self-esteem can be stripped little-by-little when faced with discrimination, rejection, painful life experiences, tragedies and traumas, etc. (if we let it!) The gay community itself can reinforce this damaging process by glorifying youth, beauty, and status, for example, and for those men who don’t feel like they “fit in”, this can harm their self-concept and sexual self-esteem as well. Tap into your “sexy self”! Don’t let it remain buried. Cultivate a sense of sexiness all your own! Defining what is sexy is a very individual and personal process, so it will differ from person-to-person. What does “sexy” mean to you? Sexiness is a mindset and a feeling, so your task is to partake in activities that will enhance this already-existing “part” of yourself. For some, getting a make-over, getting a new haircut, or purchasing a new outfit to wear brings out a sense of sexiness. For others, it’s exuding a confidence and acting with integrity. Whatever that may be for you, define and then find outlets for expression. The more “sexy” you feel, the more confident and less obsessed with your sexual drought you may experience because that feeling will be more predominant. Additionally, your new-found magnetism could be attractive to others, drawing them toward you and creating new socialization opportunities.
Conclusion
Of course there is no substitute or replacement for the “real thing” when it comes to man-to-man sexual intimacy. However, when this is not readily available, the above suggestions might be just enough to help buffer the frustration felt from an absent sex life. Always behave with responsibility and exercise healthy boundaries for your own and others’ protection when experimenting with various solutions. Until the time is right for you to claim a satisfying sexual relationship, just remember that you are not alone and you do have the power to create a solo-driven intimacy that can be quite fulfilling and special.
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