Advice

Dear Coach:

I’ve been in a gay relationship for 9 years and just found out that my partner has been trying to hook up with guys on the Internet. He also told me that on occasion he has gone to certain bathrooms and jerked off with other guys. He tells me he was safe and only watched, but I don’t know what to believe anymore. I threw him out of the house after learning this, but he’s recently moved back in and we’ve been having a hard time ever since. We are seeing a therapist, but the counselor says my partner is remorseful and doesn’t have a sexual addiction. He does take responsibility for what he’s done, but what I’m confused about is that he also told me that his going to the bathrooms also preceded our relationship. If he did it before and while he was with me, why does he say that he did it as a way to handle the problems in our relationship? Can he change? Can he be faithful or am I just setting myself up for failure again?

Confused


Dear Confused:

What a difficult situation to be in! I can appreciate how confusing and painful this must be for you. My first recommendation to you would be to take some time to take care of yourself and avoid making any kind of significant decisions about your relationship for the time being. Emotions are high right now; let the dust settle a bit so that you’ve had some time to heal and clarify your needs and feelings.

Your predicament is unfortunately a common scenario, but the prognosis is good if the couple is invested and committed to improving their relationship. The good news for you is that there are some very positive signs based on what you’ve described. The fact that you both pursued therapy and that your partner is remorseful and acknowledges responsibility for his behavior greatly increases the chances of your relationship surviving this type of crisis. A good foundation now exists to build from if you choose to keep moving forward.

The prognosis decreases when an untreated sexual addiction is present, when the offending partner refuses to take ownership for his behavior and blames it on other factors, or when the “victimized” partner is unable to forgive or “let go” of what’s happened. These, of course, will be issues you’ll want to keep your eyes peeled for over the long haul.

While your partner claims that he sexually acted-out as a way to deal with your relationship problems, I would be cautious about accepting this as a black-and-white rationale. People act-out for various reasons. While it may be true that he acted out to cope with your relationship stress, the fact that this behavior existed prior to your getting together over 9 years ago indicates that there are likely other reasons at play here as well (reasons that your partner may not even be aware of himself yet). Behavior tends to be repetitive and is purposeful. This doesn’t necessarily preclude this as being a sexual addiction; it just means that somewhere along the way this kind of sexual acting-out behavior served an important function for your partner that helped meet some kind of physical or emotional need and was repeated. Addiction becomes a red flag when the individual is unable to control the impulses to act-out despite his knowledge of the consequences. In addition to using these types of sexual outlets to cope with relationship problems, it would be important for your partner to uncover any other possible reasons, triggers, or needs (met or unmet) that might have driven this particular behavior. This knowledge will then be useful in exploring other outlets for meeting these needs that will not jeopardize the relationship in the future. This is your partner’s responsibility to gain this insight, however.

The situation is made more difficult for you because it likely feels like a form of infidelity to you and I would assume you must be struggling with a lot of feelings of betrayal and mistrust. You must decide now whether you are willing to exert the energy involved in attempting to salvage your relationship. Is nine years of commitment and investment, coupled with what appears to be your partner’s attempts to reconcile with you by taking responsibility for what he’s done, worth it to you to try? Or is his behavior a deal-breaker for you? Only you can decide this, but as said before, take your time in deciding this and avoid making any kind of impulsive moves at this time. You are going through a bit of a grieving process now and need time to work through your emotions and sense of disillusionment. It might be helpful for you to speak with your own separate counselor to help sift through your feelings and clarify things to enable you to make a sound decision.

If you and your partner decide to work things out, it will be important that you each identify the ways that you each contributed to the problems in the relationship and the roles that you each played in the stress. What’s good about your partnership? What works really well? Build upon that! What’s not so good? What’s missing? What do you each need from the other that would make things more fulfilling for you? On top of everything else, ensure that you each create a climate in your home that allows for open and honest communication of needs, thoughts, and feelings. Never let anything get swept under the rug; address all issues directly and as close to the moment as possible and this can help stave off any sexual acting-out potential. Your relationship needs healing.

I wish you all the best with this process! As long as there really is no sexual addiction, the prognosis is very good considering how you’ve described how the two of you have been dealing with this problem. As long as he continues to take responsibility and consistently demonstrates this and as long as you grieve what’s happened and allow him the room and space to show you he’s changed, there is a good probability of success here. And as long as you’re able to manage any negative obsessive thinking about it, are able to forgive him and take ownership for any of your own issues, this will also go a long way toward making things better. If there really is a sexual addiction at play here and it is left untreated, the prognosis is usually poor. Particularly since your partner may not be aware of some of the underlying issues at play, if you’re comfortable, you could offer to be his “support buddy”; if he ever felt triggered to act-out, he would immediately contact you and you could talk it through with you to identify what he was feeling that was prompting the desire and then you could problem-solve alternate ways of expressing this need. Through your couples’ therapy, your own individual counseling (should you choose that path), and addressing the above issues, the behavior in question should stop because then all the dynamics would have been addressed and intervened on a relational level and through your own behavior modification. If his behavior persists beyond that, then a possible addiction or other mental health issue could be suspect or there was a wavering commitment to the process.

While the articles I wrote were primarily aimed toward couples who were going through physical affairs in their relationship, you might want to check out two articles I had in a past newsletter that addressed reasons why people are unfaithful and offers tips on how to cope with it. While your situation is different, I think some of the principles could be applicable to helping you as well. Here are the links to the articles:

I hope this was helpful and that everything works out well for you. All my best to you!

• Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed.None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.
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1 Responses to \'My Partner Is Hooking Up With Other Guys\'

  • On May 15, 15 at 7:25pm, Mike said...

    Have been going though same situation. I find myself going to work each day wondering if he is meeting someone, going out or even worse. I mean each day. To add more, I pay most of bills/home assets while he seeks out guys for sexual chat, meetings and sex. He is a good guy though in other respects. I do believe he loves me but can not understand why he seeks out other guys. Makes me feel bad.

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