Advice

Dear Coach:

I hired a contractor to do some work at my house and we became friends (yes, he’s gay!). Right from the start, we were very flirty with each other and spent a lot of time doing recreational things. After finally having an open talk about “us”, we both admitted that we were attracted to one another. However, he gave me the big “I don’t want a relationship” speech. Since then, we’ve continued to hang out and a couple times he’s felt compelled to remind me that he doesn’t want a relationship. In the meantime, we’ve spent a couple nights together cuddling and making out, but no sex. He told me that he can’t have sex with me because he doesn’t want to mess up our friendship. I, of course, take this as a big rejection and have tried hard not to have all the negative thoughts around what could be the problem with me. He says it’s not a rejection and that I’m too important and valuable to him. He told me he doesn’t want all this talk to ruin our friendship and he’d be upset if I stopped talking with him. I have tried to approach this relationship with the idea that we have fun together, let’s see where it evolves. However, every time it seems to start to go somewhere, he needs to have “the talk” with me. I keep trying to get through the heartbreak in the hopes that I can get beyond this and just be friends, but it makes it hard for me to deal with it when I feel like I keep getting pulled closer and then pushed away again. Am I being a doormat by wanting to try and be friends with him?

Wanting More


Dear Wanting More:

It sounds like you’ve got it bad, my friend! This guy seems to have made quite an impact on you and you’d really like to take things to the next level; unfortunately, to his protest. It can be so frustrating and torturous when you want one thing and he wants another, particularly since you’ve both acknowledged your mutual attraction for each other. You like him, he likes you, and you both find each other desirable—so what’s the holdup, you must be thinking?

Not having a working psychology about what makes your new love interest tick, it’s difficult to specify why exactly he’s set the boundaries with you that he has. Maybe he has intimacy issues and is scared of the closeness he feels toward you. Maybe he’s not ready or has no interest in a relationship at this juncture of his life. Maybe he truly just sees you as a friend and doesn’t want to damage what you guys have by sexualizing it since good friends are hard to find. Perhaps your overt or covert behavior contributes to his limit-setting. The reasons are endless, but to theorize is only going to cause you further angst with more preoccupation and giving up your own emotional power.

Since he’s repeatedly reminded you of his need for “friendship only”, you must respect his boundary for fear of alienating him if it’s continually tested. You have to protect yourself by really listening to what he’s saying—that he is not available to you in the ways that you want him to be. Investing your heart into something that has already been denied is setting yourself up for pain. You deserve someone who will love you unconditionally and gladly reciprocate your feelings.

My suggestion would be to work on developing a mindset of this guy as a good friend and discover healthy outlets to channel your attractions for him. You may find it difficult “downshifting” from “love interest” to “just friends”, and if this remains too challenging over the long haul, you may have to consider terminating the relationship for your own well-being.

Additionally, it is cruel and inappropriate for your friend to be sending you mixed signals (cuddling, making out), especially when he knows how much you desire more from the relationship. “Just friends” don’t typically engage in these intimate activities together. If you choose to remain friends with him, you’ll need to set some boundaries with him too, defining the parameters of what “just friends” means—and this means he can’t have his cake and eat it too. Kissing and cuddling are off limits, unless he’s prepared to begin dating you! And you must enforce these limits should they be crossed, no matter how tempting it may be! You might want to have one more “talk” with him and get some real closure on what exactly your relationship is with him. If he maintains his current stance, set your own boundaries (with him and yourself) and then determine as time goes on if this is a situation you can live with. He may come around once you’ve taken back control of your life again…but he may not, and it’s important not to count on that. There are no guarantees in relationships.

And then live your life to the max! And it is not a rejection of you as a person; it has everything to do with his own needs, projections, and feelings stemming from his life history and goals. One good catch deserves another, and it’ll happen for you when everything is in-sync with the most compatible man! Good luck!

• Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed.None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.
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2 Responses to \'I Want Him, He Wants Me Not\'

  • On October 06, 09 at 2:00pm, Austin said...

    Thanks for the advice. I’m in this situation now and it can be very confusing and hurt like hell. Brian thanks for the advice. This has really helped me. thanks

  • On June 15, 11 at 1:39pm, jose lopes said...

    out of own experience i can tell you that when they say they only be friends, they mean they are not interested in you. the best is to quickly move on and find someone who is dedicated to you. its not worth the heartache in the long run. from my own experience, i got very controlling. i wanted to know where he was and was mad when he didnt respond to my emails promptly. hope you have moved on

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