Dear Coach:
I’m having trouble and confusion getting over a crush. A year ago I was visiting my parents in my old hometown and went out to a local gay bar one evening and was shocked to run into a guy that I used to work with. I had always been attracted to him and I approached him and talked, and we hit it off! We corresponded by e-mail after that and he revealed right away that he was partnered. Still, something in the e-mail and our verbal conversations made me feel like there was something between us, so I pursued a friendship with him and we became close friends. I learned that he and his partner were having problems; I just listened, still not saying that I was interested in him romantically because I wanted to be respectful, give him space, and not be directly involved in the breakup of a long-term relationship. Our friendship seemed so solid that time seemed on our side. A couple months later, he told me that he and his partner had broken up and clearly stated that this was his time to play around and not get tied down. Again, I did not state my interest because I wanted to be respectful and support his decision. Then everything changed; he stopped e-mailing and would only call upon my initiation. Six months after his breakup, I asked him to dinner, ready to tell him about my true feelings and he told me that he was involved with someone. Devestated that he was dating someone, I told him the truth about my feelings and he looked stunned and said “I can’t do that right now.” Since then, he has not responded to any of my calls and I am so hurt and wonder what my mistake was. It took me 45 years to finally meet someone who made me feel the way he did; will I ever find that again? Why did I play it so cool and freeze when it came to being honest with my feelings from the beginning? Why doesn’t he call anymore? Despite all of this, I’m still very drawn to him. What do I do?
Crush Gone Wrong
Dear Crush Gone Wrong:
Thanks for writing and I’m sorry that you’re hurting right now. It sounds like your connection with this man was very profound for you and his loss is very difficult to deal with. Especially with him being the one person whom you’ve felt the strongest about in your dating history, it makes this experience all the more painful and I just want you to know that what your feeling is perfectly normal under the circumstances. You’re going through a grieving process and it’s normal at this time for you to be preoccupied with the loss. Questioning yourself in terms of what went wrong, your role in the outcome, wondering what could have been, etc. These are all things to expect and anticipate as you continue to grieve and heal.
From the way you told your story of your history with this man, I would have to say that you actually conducted yourself with integrity and responsibility. Learning that he was partnered when you met him helped you keep some necessary boundaries since he was unavailable, and you respected his situation in spite of the fact that he was having problems with his boyfriend. Your friendship and support seems like it was very meaningful to him. After his breakup, his statement that this was his time to play the field and not be tied down was a signal to you that he was not interested in a romantic relationship; while this may have been difficult for you to withhold your true feelings for him, the fact that you seemed to want a relationship did not match his particular needs at that time. You were both in different places in terms of what your needs and goals were.
The sad thing about your situation is that I’m afraid that the odds were stacked against the two of you from the beginning; a classic case of bad timing. From the moment you reconnected with him in that bar, he was never physically or emotionally available to you. He couldn’t be with you when he was partnered, and he couldn’t be with you after his breakup because of his going through his own grieving process and need to re-acquaint with the dating world on a casual and sexual basis (he wasn’t available to you at this time because he didn’t want anything besides sex, whereas you were looking for something with more depth I’m surmising). It’s difficult to ascertain whether he shared an attraction for you in the way you felt toward him. Whether he did or not, the problem is that so much time had passed that it’s likely he defined your relationship as purely friendship…because that’s how it had always been and the chemistry he shared with you was more dominated by feelings of you as a supportive pal. Your declaration of your true feelings for him sounds like it took him by surprise, jolting him and paralyzing him of sorts because it was changing the image he’d had of you. It’s my assumption that that’s probably why you’ve not heard from him since, because of his discomfort he now feels about the changed status (in his perception) of your friendship.
So please don’t beat yourself up over this, because it doesn’t appear that you had much opportunity anyway because of the developmental path he was on. Your keeping your boundaries and respecting his position and wishes was the right thing to do even though you didn’t get what you wanted in the end. And that sucks, I know! Especially with all the months you likely felt tortured by your attraction and held yourself back..that had to be very hard.
The major area I would encourage you to explore further with yourself is boundaries. While you exercised good boundaries with him, it seems like it was more challenging for you to set your own boundaries with yourself. You didn’t act upon your feelings, which is good in this situation, but your feelings of desire were still alive and you continued to cultivate them as time went on, which gave him a lot of unknown emotional power over you. That’s not so good. You need to regain personal power of your life back again now. Examine your relationship history to see if there are any patterns of being attracted to unavailable men. While chemistry and attraction can have a very strong hold on us, it’s important to not hang onto them when someone is not able to reciprocate. Learn how to set limits with yourself to avoid falling in love with men who cannot give you what you need and want and pay attention to the signals and clues they give you in terms of their availability/position in life/vision and don’t ignore them with the hopes that things will change. It’s not an easy task, but you will need to learn how to say goodbye to feelings of attraction for someone who can’t or doesn’t feel the same for you and redefine the relationship on purely friendship terms; if you’re unable to do this, you may have to consider whether maintaining contact is in your best interests. Acknowledge the attraction to yourself, grieve the feelings, “let them go”, and define the relationship as purely friendship. This will allow you to move on with your life and continue your quest for more suitable dating partners.
So begin by taking the emphasis off of him and focus on the ultimate reality of the situation which is he really didn’t meet your personal requirements for a long-term relationship because he wasn’t available…and there’s nothing you could do about it; it was completely out of your control. There is no fault to assign here because you were both on different paths; great guys, but different priorities and needs. So take time now to create a sense of closure over this particular chapter in your life so you can move forward with lessons learned and craft a new dating plan that will promote your screening men who are available and capable of returning the degree of intimacy you deserve and desire. It will take time and the hurt over this lost relationship will likely linger for some time, but it’s important to work through your feelings and reinvest in a new life and identity. Your Mr. Right is out there! You just need more practice tempering your attractions, pacing a dating relationship at a slow pace to determine whether it’s a goodness-of-fit before you invest your heart too much into it, becoming more finely attuned to the signals that are being communicated to you about where each man you date is at in his relationship potential, and boosting your confidence in the fact that there are quality men out there who will fit the bill! You’ll be great!
I wish you all the best, my friend, hang in there and take care of yourself!
–The Gay Love Coach
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