Introduction
Question: “My boyfriend had enough of me being a “drama queen” as he called me and then ended our relationship. I didn’t get what he meant by that. I was only trying to express my feelings and communicate my thoughts. Now he calls me a “big drama queen” in front of his friends and I feel humiliated. How do I know if I’m a drama queen and if I am one, what can I do to stop being one?”
One of three things is possibly going on for this subscriber’s situation:
- His partner ended the relationship for some other reason than he stated and used the global “drama queen” label as an “easy out” for avoiding taking responsibility for why he truly left.
- His partner may be emotionally stifled, uncomfortable with his own or others’ feelings and could not tolerate his boyfriend’s expressiveness, thereby leading him to terminate the relationship to distance himself.
- He may be overly-passionate with his emotions and lack restraint or boundaries with effectively managing his feelings, unaware that he may have been overwhelming and pushing his partner away with his intensity.
There could be a whole host of other reasons for the breakup, but the above could be most likely. If the reason was #1 or #2, our subscriber is better off searching for a more compatible partner who is capable of emotional expression, active listening, and direct communication of his needs and wants. The fact that the ex-boyfriend taunted him about his emotionality to his friends is also a sign of disrespect and he should view this as a big “red flag” about his ex’s level of maturity, character, and integrity. If the reason is #3, our subscriber may benefit from learning skills to better regulate his emotions to avoid reactivity in his relationships with others; this could be alienating him from getting his needs met.
This article will offer some strategies for how to manage your feelings in your relationship with your partner so you can change the dynamics that exist toward more positive results for both of you.
What Is A Drama Queen?
Personally, I hate labels and “drama queen” tends to carry a negative connotation that describes someone who is over-emotional, irrational, and over-the-top with his reactions and interpretations of events. I prefer to define a “drama queen” as someone who is very passionate about how he feels and communicates this exuberance in a magnified way that can be out-of-proportion to the situation at-hand. How’s that for a politically correct definition?!
Other personality characteristics might include extreme sensitivity, jumping to negative conclusions, thinking the worst about everything, moody, prone to over-reacting, taking things out of context, impulsive, flamboyant, and the list goes on and on. These are, of course, stereotypical qualities; however, the defining feature would be the exaggerated sense of being reactive. Drama queen-types share common distorted thinking styles that lend them to react to situations the way they do, namely catastrophizing (blowing things out of proportion, dramatizing, creating worst-case scenarios and basing their decisions off of these judgments), mindreading (assuming they know what others are thinking without having the evidence to back it up), black-and-white thinking (thinking in all/nothing and either/or terms), and overgeneralizing (making sweeping judgments about something or someone across the board, using such words as always, never, everybody, and nobody). The problem with the drama queen label is that it gives feelings a bad rap, and that’s a dangerous consequence. The key to success is finding that balance so that one doesn’t operate within extremes.
Facts About Feelings
- As cliché as it sounds, all feelings are valid and ok; it’s what you do with them that counts. They aren’t right or wrong—they just are.
- Feelings communicate to us what we need, what matters to us, and what’s going on. They are signals to pay attention to and help us make decisions about what to say and do. Therefore, it’s important to label the emotions we experience.
- We choose how we feel; nobody makes us feel a certain way, and conversely, we cannot change other people’s feelings. Our reactions to situations are within our control.
- Feelings demand recognition and should not be “stuffed.” Without some kind of healthy outlet for release, they can contribute to stress, medical and mental health issues, interpersonal problems, and lead to self-destructive behaviors to self-medicate against their effects.
8 Strategies For Quieting Your Inner Drama Queen
Here are some suggestions for keeping your feelings “in-check” so they don’t bubble-over and create undue stress for yourself or contribute to escalating conflict with your partner during important discussions.
- Pay attention to the sensations you feel in your body that signal upset developing. Delay your reaction to what’s happening and take a “Time Out” to compose yourself and gain some clarity of thought and perspective.
- Keep a journal, draw out your feelings on paper, express yourself through some type of art project, exercise, practice relaxation techniques
- Identify the triggers that prompt times of strong emotion for you. Do you notice any patterns? How can you restructure those situations? Engage in some productive problem-solving to generate some possible solutions.
- Monitor your self-talk. Your thoughts contribute to your feelings and behavior (they interrelate with each other too). During emotional times, keep a written log of the situations, feelings, and thoughts that occur and work at uncovering self-talk that can heighten your mood or cause distortions in thinking. Pay close attention to catastrophizing and overgeneralizing thoughts and beliefs.
- During a moment of drama, ask yourself these questions to gain some additional perspective: Is this a real or imagined threat? If it’s real, what’s the likelihood that it will happen? Can I really not cope with it? What’s the worst possible thing that could happen and is it a life or death threat? More often than not, you will feel defused after doing some reality-testing like this.
- Examine your times of strong emotion and determine their function. What’s the purpose behind your feelings or outbursts? What do you hope to accomplish? What do you gain with such behavior? Stress relief? A sense of power? Attention? Try to find alternate ways of getting these needs met.
- A lot of times in relationships, conflicts occur because the couple has unmet needs that they are acting-out toward each other rather than being direct and asking for what they want. When you overreact with your partner, is it because he’s not meeting a need? Do you not feel heard or understood so that drama becomes a way of demanding his attention or adding an element of emphasis to your points? Learn to be assertive and make requests while doing the same for your boyfriend. Develop your mastery of communication and conflict negotiation skills.
- Arguments or “drama sessions” with our partners take on predictable patterns over time, called chain reactions. He does or says something, you respond, he reacts, you react, and a downward spiral of negative responses to each other’s statements and behaviors ensues. Draw a diagram on a piece of paper of your chain reactions in your relationship and practice re-writing these scripts so they point toward more productive outcomes.
Conclusion
There is a cure for drama-queenitis! Be open to and identify your feelings, seek healthy channels of release for your emotions, and find ways to strike a balance with them and logic to create a more level and stable emotional posture. As a couple, support each other and try to understand the underlying feelings and dynamics at play underneath your conflicts because there is special meaning behind the drama. In addition, make sure to take an appraisal of your life history and begin to heal any past hurts that you might be projecting into your relationship that could take the form of dramatization. If you or your partner have difficulty understanding the language of emotions, read books on emotional intelligence and resiliency. Applying these strategies can help modulate your emotions and promote a much happier personal life. Let the drama be served up at the theatre instead!
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