Dear Coach:
I really need your advice. I met this guy at my university. He’s very kind, handsome, and totally irresistible and I can’t help being attracted to him. We’ve been sleeping together now for the past couple of days. Unfortunately, I’m not sure if he’s gay or not in the first place or if he even likes me back. How can I find this out? And what should I do in order to make our relationship stronger?
Smitten
Dear Smitten:
I’m excited to hear about your good news in having met a guy that you’re interested in. Your enthusiasm really comes through—enjoy! Since the two of you have been intimate on a number of occasions, it’s probably safe to assume he’s gay or bisexual (though there are exceptions!). The key now is for the two of you to get to know each other better to determine true compatibility. His repeated contacts with you also indicate that he, too, is likely attracted to you and enjoys sharing the experiences you’ve had thus far. Does he like you? It would appear so based on his actions. To the degree he likes you and whether his interest in you is purely sexual or more dating/relationship-oriented is more difficult to gauge at this juncture.
My first recommendation to you is to enjoy what’s happening to you. Relax and try to live in the moment and be fully present in what’s happening rather than over-thinking about “what could be.” Too often when we meet someone we really click well with, we have the tendency to let our excitement cloud our better judgment and we may say or do things that could sabotage what could’ve been the potential for a good relationship because we got too ahead of ourselves and think we have to do what we can to ensure he doesn’t “slip away”. This sense of urgency could come across as desperation, so go slow and let the relationship evolve naturally. Thinking too much about your hopes and fantasies of being boyfriends could also prevent you from seeing signs in him that indicate he could be a “Mr. Wrong” for you because you’re distracted. So ease up the reigns and relax into just having fun and getting to know this new guy. It’s important not to define your time together solely around sex; balance this with shared activities and communication so you each can get a more well-rounded knowledge of each other.
Most important is knowing yourself and what you need and want in a partner, a relationship, and in your future. What are your personal needs and requirements? What are your values? What characteristics and traits are you looking for in a man? Developing this vision will help guide you through the dating process to ensure you screen men accurately for their possible compatibility potential; you’ll save a lot of time and heartache doing this work first. Make sure you’re “dateable” also. Work on having the best self-esteem you can, tie up any loose emotional baggage from the past you may have, improve your social skills and confidence, build a solid support system, and maintain an active lifestyle that brings a sense of purpose and passion to your life.
Finally, after some time has passed and you’ve both had a chance to really learn about each other, have become good friends, and you believe he fits the profile of your “boyfriend vision”, tell him how you feel. While you don’t want to rush intimacy and need to pace the development of your relationship, it’s important you both communicate about how you’re feeling and what you need and want. As you get to know him, find out what he’s looking for (a friend, a friend with sexual benefits, casual dating of multiple people, exclusive dating leading to a relationship, etc.) and if you both match what you’re looking for, tell him directly of your interest in him. The worst he can say is “no.” If he runs after hearing this, it’s important you know this sooner than later and you’re the better for it because you learned he’s not capable of the maturity needed for sharing feelings in a relationship. You deserve someone who will care for you the way you do him. Conversely, if you say nothing and wait for him to declare his feelings (which he may never do out of his own nervousness or other reasons), you could be depriving yourself of a relationship that really could have been. Always take charge of your life and be direct.
All my best to you with this challenging decision! While this all seems overwhelming to you now, try to reframe what you’re experiencing as a golden opportunity for you to now craft the kind of life that you’ve always wanted and go for it!
I wish you all the success! Enjoy!
–The Gay Love Coach
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