Dear Coach:

Help! I think I’m addicted to Internet chat-rooms and porn sites! What do I do?

Hooked

Dear Hooked:

You are not alone in your concerns. With the advent of the Internet, cyber-addictions are one of the fastest-growing process addictions to emerge. The fact that you’re recognizing the possibility of being “hooked” is a very positive first step as there is usually a period of denial and minimizing that occurs during an addiction. The denial pervades until serious consequences occur in the person’s life that force him to face his behavior. Hopefully it hasn’t reached that point for you.

An addiction can be defined as a syndrome in which a person consistently seeks out a substance or activity despite its harmful consequences. There are cravings for the activity and it is compulsively sought after, creating physical and/or emotional dependence upon it for relief or other reasons. A person tends to become preoccupied with the source and modifies his life around the ability to perform the activity. It’s difficult to ascertain based on your brief letter whether you have an addiction or not without undergoing some form of evaluation or assessment, but some red flags to look out for that could be indicators of a problem might include: feeling anxious if you don’t access chat-rooms or porn sites within a couple days, experiencing an emotional “high” or “euphoria” when logging onto the Internet, giving up hobbies and interests in favor of the computer, missing important meetings because of your online use, missing work or accessing chat-rooms/porn sites while at work, distancing from family and friends to spend more time at the computer, staying up late at night to play on the Internet and not getting enough sleep, thinking a lot about being online and experiencing strong urges to access it, etc.

If you do have a problem with Internet addiction, it’s important to identify the possible reasons for its existence. What unmet needs are underlying the behavior? What do you get out of the experience? You can then target goals to alleviate the underlying problems or meet those needs in healthier ways. It will also be important for you to identify the triggers that drive your impulses to go online and find ways to short-circuit those triggers so you can be in control of them. Some people find that chat-rooms offer a form of “pseudo-intimacy” with other men in a way that they may not be able to achieve with people in their day-to-day lives. If that’s the case for you, find ways to boost your self-esteem, strengthen your social skills, and develop more confidence in interpersonal situations so you can gain a sense of connection and belonging with real human relationships. Additional suggestions might be to create time blocks of when you will allow yourself to go online, or you may have to completely abstain from using the computer if the addiction is severe enough. Find other activities to distract yourself from your urges to go cyber, and find other outlets that will bring more spice and fulfillment to your life, whether it be volunteering or developing new hobbies; but make it something that will make you feel purposeful and passionate and that will affirm your self-image rather than take away from it. You might want to learn stress management techniques if your online behavior has become a way to cope with stress and provide relief; there are lots of classes and good books out there on how to cope productively with stress. And finally, seek out help with a licensed therapist or addictions counselor who can help you overcome this extremely difficult compulsion. Sex Addicts Anonymous is a free self-help support group available throughout the country that would be an added resource for your new coping repertoire.

I wish you all the best with your efforts to get “Un-Hooked”. And don’t delay! Go with the momentum you’re feeling with questioning whether you have an issue with this or not before it has the potential to take a stronger hold over you. Good luck!

–The Gay Love Coach

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed.None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

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