Dear Coach:
I am an HIV+ gay man living in France and recently traveled to the States on business. During my stay, I had the glorious pleasure of getting to know a beautiful man I met off an Internet dating site, and to say that we really hit it off would be an understatement! We only had a week together, but it was one of the most magical times of my life. The sex with him was the absolute best I’ve ever had! Then wham! Vacation over! Now I’m back home in France and feel like crying. I want him. I think about him every single day. We talk on the phone about four times a week, e-mail each other, and post each other letters and cards. I have a long-distance relationship going here! He’s planning on coming to visit me this summer and I can’t wait! My dilemma is that I want to be with him, as I believe he may be my Mr. Right. I’m impatiently waiting for him to say the magic words “I love you”, but he hasn’t yet and he focuses on the fact that we live so far apart. If he asked me to drop everything and move to America, I wouldn’t hesitate. On the other hand, if I asked him to leave everything and join me in France, he’d have a difficult time with the language barrier. The scary part is that as an HIV+ person whose medications are all taken care of by socialized medicine here, it would be rough going to pick up and move to the States. He is HIV+ also and has very good health coverage through his employer. What am I to do? He lives in a very homophobic state, while here in France, civil-unions for same-sex couples have been legal for 5 years and you can feel safe holding your boyfriend’s hand in public. Plus there are so many social advantages here too. As you can see, my head is muddled with all these conflicting thoughts. My heart says go and my head says that I don’t really know him well enough to give up everything I’ve built here. It’s been so long since I felt like I met someone who I truly felt was a good match for me. Help me get my feet back down on the ground!
Floating In France
Dear Floating:
Thanks for writing! Wow, what a dilemma! What do you do when you finally meet someone of quality and substance and he lives half-way across the world? I’m probably not going to say anything you haven’t already contemplated, but my first suggestion to you is to enjoy what’s happening to you; relish in it, yet also temper your excitement by going slow and pacing the relationship. Let it evolve naturally and avoid rushing things, particularly emotional intimacy. If not careful, your excitement could sabotage things either by scaring him (which would cause him to distance) or by clouding your judgment about his true compatibility for you. It sure seems so far that the two of you are meshing well, but your time together has also been too short and overshadowed by the high of newness/chemistry/attraction to accurately see each other for who you really are quite yet. That comes progressively over time through more communication and experiences shared. So relax, enjoy, and pace. Avoid pushing him for the “L” word and give him time to articulate his feelings. Let his persistent interest and the awesome times you guys have shared so far be validation enough of how special and meaningful to him you are; the rest will evolve naturally. This way he might be more comfortable becoming more expressive as time goes on.
Now to your dilemma. You have three choices that seem apparent. You could chock up the experience as a whirlwind escapade that you’ll treasure forever so you could invest your energies into finding a man more geographically accessible and available to you before you invest your heart any further. Second, if both of you are agreeable, you could try on a long-distance relationship for size. The good news is that these do actually work! The bad news is that they’re extremely challenging and lonely. For a long-distance relationship to work, communication and trust are essential. You’ll need to consider whether you have a foundation for these ingredients in your relationship with him now or if more time and experience would be needed to solidify them. Lastly, one or the other of you could move to be closer to each other.
This last option is particularly tricky and risky. In all honesty, vacation romances, particularly those that were brief, are not typically sufficient enough to gauge life partner suitability. Time is needed to nurture emotional intimacy and observe each other outside the context of the romantic rendezvous to learn about each other’s values, philosophies of life, needs, desires,etc. to assess true goodness-of-fit. If you decide to throw caution to the wind and uproot yourself to be with your new lover, you’ll have to make sure your motives are in the right place. Are you running away from something or toward something? How invested and rooted are you in France? Can you financially, emotionally, and health-wise afford to make such a move as this would be a huge life change and transition to adjust to and will most likely be a jolt to your system. If you moved, where would you live and how would you support yourself? How resilient are you? If you moved and things didn’t work out between the two of you, would you harbor resentments against him and be able to cope with this without an established support system? Whatever you decide, you both have to be on the same page and you have to take responsibility for the choice and be prepared to be accountable for any consequences that result (positive and negative). These are just a few questions to help steer you down the path of your decision-making process. It’s a really hard choice to make, but be clear in your thinking and I’m cheering for you! Good luck!
–The Gay Love Coach
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On February 06, 10 at 2:51pm, mysticaltyger said...
Good post, but I think you needed to be a little more blunt. The chances of this working out are pretty slim.
Honestly, you should have told him that this is a prime reason why people should not have sex right away. It’s easy to fall in love with someone who isn’t right for you….in this case, for obvious geographic reasons, but also, as you said, because vacation romances just aren’t good indicators of whether there is truly long term relationship potential.
Additionally, I think another important point was missed. Having sex with someone while on vacation in a foreign land is a REALLY BAD IDEA because, in all likelihood, neither party has the emotional or financial resources to make this work.
And as you said, it takes time to find out if you are really compatible in the first place. If you have sex with someone right away, it increases the chances you’re going to fall in love with someone you can’t be with. And then you end up being hurt.
I’ve done the “vacation romance” thing myself. Sure, I enjoyed it at the time. But ultimately, when I look back, it makes me sad to think about it because I can’t be with the guy I had a rendezvous with.
On June 03, 10 at 6:00pm, yaz said...
I think Coach laid out all the issues succintly and clearly but what is missing is the point of view of someone who’s actually tried this, so I will share my story.
I met my ex- in Scotland while there on vacation. He was there performing, on tour from Montreal. He speaks French as a first language, and English. I’m vice-versa, so language was never a barrier though he’d slip into a heavy Quebecois accent just to be annoying from time to time. Anyway, it was a similar situation to Floating in France: We met and in our case, it was love at first sight. Honest. And it was the most wonderful experience I have ever had with another human being. At the time.
He toured Europe performing the first year we were together. I was financially able to pick up and be wherever he was, for however long. He is HIV- but I am HIV+. He would come to the States for several weeks when he wasn’t touring and I’d come to Montreal if he was performing locally, and since my sister lives near Montreal, it was nice to visit, and it seemed to be workable the first 18 months.
Unfortunately, well into the second year, the stress from the travel on my health began to wear on me. To accommodate me, he tried in vain to find work in the US but soon found Los Angeles to be a cultural vacuum for someone with his talent (ballet dancer). We’d either have to move to New York where neither of us have ties or family, or I’d have to move to Montreal. But since I have HIV, emigrating to Canada was a longshot. And then there was the issue of finding work as his job pays next to nothing so I was the primary breadwinner.
I wouldn’t say he was the love of my life – but he could/should have been, had things worked out. But practically speaking, we both knew that if he was going to keep dancing before getting too old, and if I was going to keep my health (and my job), we had to break up.
Four years later, we still love each other very much. We are both in relationships now, and we keep in close contact. We visit when possible. We both still love each other deeply, and maintain a special bond.
The bottom line is if love happens for Floating in France, it will no doubt turn out to be real and wonderful, and could very well last beyond any relationship that would be attempted. So, it really all comes down to whether or not the experience is worth the effort and the heartache.
Long distance relationships really do work while they work and are wonderful while they are working. I’ve attempted three. But none has lasted beyond 2 years and the reason is unless one person can really see himself picking up and moving everything to the other person – and that means career more than anything — they’re nice while they last. I happen to be in another one right now. But this time around I put a 1 year expiration date on it. I’m having a blast, but I have no intention of moving for love.
On August 24, 10 at 12:24am, Peter said...
I just stumbled on this and I am really happy to have found this site and to have read the posts to this question. I find them very helpful since I am trying a long distance relationship for the first time.
Well, it seems that I am in the same boat as many folks are. I went on vacation to Mexico (I am Mexican-American) and met a great guy whom I love a lot. We had the best time in our lives as far as romances go and we spend as much time together as we could while I was there.
Alas, I had to return to New York for my PhD studies since my vacation was over. So he stayed in Mexico and I am now here in the U.S.
It has been really tough to say the least. Not only do I miss him a lot but I also have a lot of doubts about the future and fears about being able to do this etc. But then, when I remember what it was like to be in his arms, all these doubts disappear.
Since I am new to LDRs I have been reading on them to compare notes and I did a few things that were advised. For example, we talked about the parameters of our relationship and decided that we want to be exclusive. We also decided that we would give this a try and asses this in December (I am going back in Dec.) and then we would see if we wanted to keep this getting more serious.
So, here is the situation:
Well, a few things that we have working for us (or maybe not?) is that we are both in our early twenties, we don’t have things to tie us down to our location permanently (although the PhD will take at least 4 more years…oh yeah, and the student loans that I have to pay back…) and we are both open to move to either place.
We also text everyday, talk on the phone at lest every other day and have started to send each other letters through the mail.
Of course there are a few more challenges. As I mentioned I am in school for a few more years. Another obstacle we have is that he is only a Mexican citizen. A tourist visa for him to come and see me is also a long shot since you need to have reasons to return (such as a house, a good job or school). We haven’t discussed (at least not seriously) the option of him crossing the border without papers but it is an option, although not the best one. Me leaving school is also not the best option since it is the one thing that I have going for me and an important investment in my future.
I am definitely busting my ass to win gay marriage in the U.S. and to make sure that as part of that reform we also get to apply for citizenship for our partners but that is going to take a while…a few years for sure.
So, my questions are:
Are all these doubts about us being able to make it normal? Are there any other immigration options open to us? What other parameters should we set for our relationship? And in general, what do others recommend to make this work?
I would love some advice/opinions. I will be back to answer questions too if necessary.
Thanks all, wish us luck!
On January 02, 12 at 1:55pm, Jeff said...
I can also give my two cents worth to this as I just had a 7 year relationship break up over distance. At least that is what my partner said was the reason. He lives in B.C.,Canada and I live on the other side of the country, Nova Scotia. I would flyout there twice a year and vice versa. It was taxing but I culd see an endpoint. I was planning to early retire to allow more free time to see him this year. Unfortunately he felt the on/off thing left him feeling empty after I left and it was doing his head in so he emails me to say we should rethink the situation. I was blindsided by this and damn near tore thehouse apart trying to talk to him. I now look back and figure he was looking in the local area for someone and found a possibility, figuring I would never move out there and vice versa. Distance was the deal breaker so to those who are in this situation, break it off ASAP. It won’t work in the long run if you are over 40. You are both too entrenched in your lives to uproot.