Dear Coach:
Here’s my problem. I’ve been in a relationship for 16 years and it seems we only have eating and sleeping together in common. I know who I am and what I deserve out of life, but I am just too lazy to step out of my comfort zone. I mainly stay with him because he pays most of the bills.Kornered
Dear Kornered:
Your dilemma sounds very tricky for you. On the one hand, you and your partner have been together for so long that there’s a degree of security and comfort, both emotionally and financially, in being together. On the other hand, I hear an equally strong if not stronger vibe of unfulfillment in your relationship, something that can undermine your spirit and passion for life. It can be really difficult because it sounds like you care for your partner and there’s nothing blatant that you mentioned that would warrant “walking away”, yet I sense there’s a nagging yearning for something more that’s not being met in your relationship.
On a scale from 1 to 10 (1= I totally want out of this relationship and 10= I am very committed to making this relationship work), how would you rate your feelings about your relationship on average? Let your heart do the talking on this question. If you rated over 5, you and your partner must learn how to communicate your needs and feelings directly with each other. What do you need from your partner that would make this relationship more fulfilling? What’s negotiable and non-negotiable? Have your partner do the same and share your lists to see if things can be negotiated. Develop goals from this to work toward. Bring more spice into the relationship to re-awaken it. Make a list of things that you can imagine your partner doing that would be pleasing to you; have him do the same and share your lists and start doing the items. If you truly want your relationship to grow, sufficient energy must be given to it from both parties for it to work. If only one of you is committed, little growth can be expected. If you rated less than 5, consider what’s missing for you in this relationship. What are some ways you contribute to the problems in the relationship? If you really want out, but are afraid to sacrifice the comfort the relationship provides, you must identify what your priorities are for yourself. What are your fears about leaving? Are they imagined or real threats? What are the worst case scenarios you’ve generated about leaving and are they really all that bad? Envision what your perfect life would look like and determine how you can go about accomplishing those goals to reach that vision beyond your relationship. Do a pros and cons list of staying vs. leaving and determine what would be more damaging to your life…settling for an unfulfilling mediocre relationship vs. taking a risk and changing your current lifestyle. The only way out of anxiety is through it. Unfulfillment has an “eating away at you” effect and must be addressed for you to be truly happy.
Remember that you are a good person, through and through, and that you have a lot to offer, either in or outside of a relationship. You deserve to be happy. You appear to have a lot of untapped energy and resourcefulness; allow your courage, passion and openness to give it a chance to be expressed. How exciting to see that it seems to be bubbling underneath the surface, trying to find a way to burst out through the tone of your letter. Listen to it. Give it a voice and take action with what your heart tells you. You are a strong person. Fear inhibits and stifles, and it grows the longer you succumb to it. Make sure to build your support system as you go through this process as they will be extremely helpful to you as you go through your decision-making about your dilemma. Whatever you decide, avoid impulsiveness and keep the recognition that your happiness and longevity is key at the forefront of your mind. Best wishes to you, Kornered!
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