Dear Coach,
I have recently returned from Iraq and for some reason I have these little red splotches on my penis. My partner believes it is because I was not being faithful in my absence, but I really was. He won’t have sex with me now and it’s very difficult! What do you think the rash might be? What am I to do? Please help.
Concerned
Dear Concerned:
Thanks for your letter, and welcome home! Glad that you’re back safe and sound!
I can most certainly appreciate your dilemma. After having been apart from your partner for what I imagine has been quite some time, sharing some intimacy with him is probably at the top of your list. It’s very unfortunate that your rash has come between the two of you and has spoiled your homecoming. It must be extremely frustrating! Without knowing much about the history of your relationship that you and your partner share, I can offer a few tips that I hope will be of some help to getting your relationship back on track.
Firstly, it is very important that you make an appointment with a physician to make an accurate diagnosis of your medical condition. I am not a medical doctor, so determining what your rash is can only be confirmed by an MD. While the location of your rash could cause one to assume a sexually transmitted disease, it is very possible that it could be something of other origins. Having been in Iraq, you may have been exposed to some toxins that caused some type of skin disorder or irritation, or there may have been a pre-existing condition that was lying dormant until now. The point is that it’s important not to make assumptions and to make your health the number one priority by visiting a doctor immediately, for both your sake and your partner’s.
The other important tip I can offer is that you must not rush or pressure your partner. Trust can’t be rushed, and if he has had a past history of broken trust experiences, he will likely be very hypersensitive and guarded to what you’re presenting with now. As frustrating as it is for you, you must realize that you cannot change his perceptions or make him believe you; in fact, the more you attempt to convince him of your innocence, it may actually inspire more defensiveness in him. Handle him with care now and keep your own emotions in check; allow him time to process his feelings.
There are some things you can try to do, however, to help the situation as best you can. I would recommend taking the emphasis off of the sex in your relationship and instead focus on more nonsexual expressions of intimacy. Be more attentive to him, emphasize more affection, and surprise him with creative declarations of how you feel about him. This, combined with empathizing with and validating his feelings, may help facilitate the gradual process of his feeling more trusting toward you and renewing the positive feelings he has about you and your relationship together. If things continue to be strained between the two of you after you’ve tried these strategies, you might consider seeking the assistance of a trained couple’s therapist who specializes in gay relationship issues.
I wish you all the best with this and my fingers are crossed for you that your situation improves quickly!
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